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HOW TO HELP SOMEONE YOU KNOW INTO THERAPY

(Especially when they do not want to go).

When someone you care about needs help, you may find it very difficult to know what steps to take. Looking away and doing nothing has become all too easy in our society. Long ago when families and extended families were an integral part of society, there would be elders who would get together and discuss a plan of action to help those in need. In modern times, we have become an isolated society with "every man for himself." Let's change all this and make it commonplace to reach out to others and say, "I'm concerned about you, is there anything I can do to help?"

WHEN SHOULD YOU INTERVENE?

It is difficult to generalize about all of the situations in which you may find yourself feeling worried about the mental health of someone close to you. However, if you are feeling concerned then some action should be taken if for no other reason than to show you care. Many people today are afraid of sticking their neck out and intruding. But if you are truly concerned about someone, then you are being compassionate to let him or her know. Remember that this person may still feel the stigma surrounding therapy and you will have to tread lightly. Also, remember that many individuals will tell you that you should mind your own business. But if someone close to you is suffering, then it is okay to try to offer some assistance. If it is rejected by a grown person then you may have to let it go and realize that you are not responsible for another adult who does not want help.

There are some circumstances where the law gives you additional leverage in regard to helping a mentally ill person. If you know someone who has a mental disorder and is a danger to himself, or to others then that person can be admitted to a hospital by a mental health professional or by the police for either 72 hours, or for a 2 week period (granted by a judge). In addition, if a person has a mental disorder and is gravely disabled (meaning that they cannot provide for their own food, clothing or shelter) and there is no "significant other" willing to provide these necessities, then he or she can be admitted to a hospital for a 3 day or 2 week period. Children under 18 can be admitted to a hospital against their will if they have a mental disorder, but they have a right to a hearing before a judge to determine whether the hospitalization is necessary. It is not a pleasant situation to seek help to force someone into a hospital so let's focus on trying to get help voluntarily.

The Alliance for the Mentally Ill can be of assistance to family and friends who are suffering through the experience of having a loved-one with a serious mental illness. Their number is 1-800-950-6264. 

Talking to someone important to you about getting help is not an easy process; especially when there is emotional pain involved. Take it one step at a time--beginning with clarifying the following concepts for yourself.

HOW TO INTERVENE

1. Learn the behaviors that indicate emotional disorders.

Read all you can about the problem that is concerning you. If it is an alcohol problem, then read about this disease and types of treatments. If it is an anxiety problem, then likewise educate yourself about the way anxiety manifests itself in healthy and unhealthy ways.

2. Clearly outline for yourself the reasons why you feel that your friend needs help.

  If you are concerned that someone close to you has a problem that could benefit from therapy, then you might consider asking that person to go over the tests listed in this book and that person could take them at the same time.

It is important to be direct, honest, and compassionate. If you are an employer, a spouse, or a friend, you should not allow "sub-standard" behavior to go by un-noticed. For instance, if you notice a close friend acting very agitated, depressed, or appearing less well-groomed, and these behaviors continue, then do not ignore it, sit the person down and ask, "How are things really going for you...I'm not just asking to make conversation...I'd really like to know if everything is alright with you...and I care about you."

Although you may be feeling angry, hurt, frustrated, or completely drained, it is still important to be completely clear with yourself as to why you want your friend to receive help. Write down your reasons and then notice if the reasons include any "I want you to change--so that I won't have to deal with you any more" statements. If so, then carefully reconsider your reasons to see if counseling is really in your own (or your friend's) best interest. Even though you may have some self-interest in your friend changing, if that is the main reason, then when you approach him or her, your tone will not come across as a caring one.

It's okay to state your own reasons for your friend wanting counseling, but for the purposes of trying to help your friend into counseling, do it in a way that is positive and not blaming.

For example, "I would like us to be closer and to have a more positive relationship, and I see the alcohol as getting in the way of that."

"You're an alcoholic and you need help now!" will not be received in the same way.

 If trying to sound positive feels too difficult, then talk with a friend or a therapist for support and advice.

3. What not to say.

Do not say anything if you feel that it would put you in danger of being physically hurt. Instead, discuss your options privately with a counselor from an abuse hot line. Hot line numbers can be found by calling your operator, dialing information, or by calling a local resource center.

4. Prepare for your friend's reaction.

For a long time there has been a stigma surrounding psychotherapy. Although this is changing, most people still feel some degree of uneasiness about asking for help. Your friend may experience feelings of shame, ridicule, betrayal, humiliation, inadequacy, or a fear that the "family secrets" will be revealed. In addition, your friend may fear that the relationship has failed just because you are introducing the subject (and that therapy will only accelerate the process). He or she may also be concerned that you and the therapist are going to "gang up" possibly for the purpose of proving your mate is a bad person. Your friend may feel that the situation is hopeless and that it cannot get better because you have tried very hard and things have not changed. Remember that you never know how much your relationship can improve until you talk to a specialist.

If this is a relationship issue and your partner says there is no problem--only YOU need help. Gently remind your partner that ALL relationships consist of two people with actions and reactions. If your partner will only agree to participate for YOUR benefit, then say, "That's fine, we'll both go as a favor to me. You can provide important historical information which will make my therapy much more effective." (Once your mate feels more comfortable, he or she may decide to participate fully.)

Despite all of the difficulties you both may be experiencing, a part of your mate "knows" that things need to change. Hopefully you can both face the challenge of entering therapy together as a team.

If the person denies that there is a problem and says, "everything's fine," then you can sight specific changes or occurrences that you have noticed and that have caused you to be concerned. Be careful not to blame the other person, rather show them how their illness could be causing them pain and then let them know that there is hope for life to be different. You can tell your friend what you have learned from reading this article and explain how there are professionals who are able to help. The idea is for you to provide the information so that he or she can make a decision about getting better.

 5. Make the decision simple.

Talk with several therapists who specialize in counseling --discussing briefly your situation while asking the therapist for his or her reaction. You may want to discuss your plan for broaching the subject of therapy. The counselor may have some suggestions, which will help your particular situation. If you feel comfortable, then talk further about financial arrangements and the times that are available for setting up an appointment.

It is a good idea to make it as easy as possible for your friend to make the decision to get help. You can find out about therapists, their phone numbers, their fees and their specialties. That way it is not such a big step to reach out and get the help. You can both discuss the reasons that it may be uncomfortable to enter therapy and you can work together in discussing the barriers to obtaining assistance. If your friend says that he or she agrees to go into therapy, but only because you want him or her to, that is okay. At least they are making the opening step to meet with a counselor. The counselor can take it from there and make the experience a useful one.

6. Figure out what you will do if you are not successful.

Unfortunately, your friend may be very resistant to counseling. Individuals can get to a point in their relationship where they feel so bad that they would rather end it than continue with the negative feelings. Remember that you have not tried everything until you have been to counseling. There is hope!

If this is a relationship issue, then consider whether you are prepared to leave the relationship; but don't make ultimatums that you are not ready to carry out. If you do decide to leave the relationship, be sure that you seek out support during this traumatic period. Although it is not a good sign if your partner refuses to enter counseling, you can try going alone while remaining together. Sometimes the partner who doesn't enter counseling becomes so curious about what is happening that he or she wants to tell "the other side of the story" and will eventually participate.

If your friend won't go for therapy, then it may be useful to make an appointment with a therapist yourself to plan a helpful strategy. You can also learn effective ways to deal with your friend's ordeal.

7. Set aside time to convey the desire to get help.

Approach your partner by saying that you would like to set aside some time to talk about something important and, "When would be good for you?" Then express how important the relationship is to you and the reasons that you feel you both could benefit from counseling (don't say what your partner is doing wrong). Listen carefully to the response you receive while trying to empathize with your partner's position--(you may want to share some of your own concerns about entering therapy). Try not to be triggered into negative habits and patterns. Do stand firm in your desire for positive change for both of you.

Hopefully these suggestions will put you both on the path toward a healthy, loving relationship.

WHAT IF MY FRIEND IS ADDICTED TO DRUGS OR ALCOHOL AND REFUSES TO GET HELP?

There is something called an "intervention" which is done to help an addicted person into counseling. Look for more resources under the keyword "intervention" in your library or on the Internet.

SUPPORT FOR THOSE WHO CARE

Many mental disorders have support groups for the family members of those who are afflicted. If someone close to you has a severe mental disorder (including a drug or alcohol addiction), then check into the resources available to YOU, whether or not the person that you care about actually seeks help. It is not easy to have someone you care about with a mental disorder and it is okay for you to get support too.

Call 1-800-THERAPIST for more information 1-800-843-7274.