DEAR ABBY ARTICLE

Sometimes it is interesting to see what happens when you send a requested article to a member of the media.

Compare what was printed in the paper with what was originally sent to Dear Abby.  This article started because Abby asked the President of 1-800-therapist.com, Dr. Kevin Grold, to write an article for Mental Health Month in May.  This is the third time he has written advice for her column.  Due to a delay, it did not appear until July with a few modifications.

Click here to read the version that appeared in the paper.

Click here to read the version that was mailed to Dear Abby.

Helping a depressed friend takes some care and lots of planning

July 10, 2000


DEAR ABBY: The letter about depression and suicide prompts my own letter. Only one in five people who suffer from a mental illness seeks help. As some of those with a history of mental illness stated in their letters, reaching out for help is often a task that seems insurmountable. And broaching the subject with a loved one can be difficult for many reasons. Fear of being told to "mind your own business" can be a big impediment to friends and families who would like to extend a helping hand.

However, if you are truly concerned about a friend or loved one, the most compassionate action is to express that concern.

How to intervene:

(1) Clearly outline for yourself the reasons you believe the person needs help. Make sure they are for the person's benefit -- and not for your own selfish reasons.

(2) Create a special time to express your desire to help your friend or loved one by saying you would like to set aside some time to talk about "something important" and asking, "When would be a good time?" Be sure it's in an emotionally safe environment where you won't be overheard or interrupted. Then communicate how important he or she is to you and the reasons you feel there could be a benefit from counseling. (Don't say what your friend or loved one is doing is "wrong.")

(3) Be direct, honest and compassionate. Practice stating your reasons in a positive, non-blaming way.

Let's make it commonplace to reach out to others and say, "How are things really going for you? I'm not just asking to make conversation . . . I'd really like to know because I care about you."
-- Dr. Kevin Grold, Del Mar

DEAR DR. GROLD: Your helpful letter illustrates the importance of forethought in trying to achieve any kind of intervention -- be it for alcohol, drugs, depression or other mental health problems. While the majority of people may be reluctant to attempt this, some will want to -- and your letter provides valuable tools for them.

 

ORIGINAL VERSION

Here is the original article which was requested by "Dear Abby" for Mental Health Month.

 

Dear Abby,

Only one in five people suffering from mental disorders seeks help and yet broaching the subject with a loved one can be difficult for many reasons. Since May is Mental Health Month, this is a good opportunity to bring out in the open this often taboo subject. The fear of being told to "mind your own business" can be a big impediment, however, if you are truly concerned about a friend or loved one, the most compassionate action is to express that concern.

HOW TO INTERVENE

1. Learn all you can about the mental health problem concerning you.

2. Clearly outline for yourself the reasons you feel your friend needs help. Notice if the reasons include any "I want you to change so that I won't have to deal with you" statements.

3. Practice stating your reasons in a positive, non-blaming way. It is important to be direct, honest, and compassionate. "I would like us to be closer and to have a more positive relationship, and I see alcohol as getting in the way." Instead of, "You're an alcoholic and you need help now!"

4. Prepare for your friend's reaction.

Talk with several therapists who specialize in counseling this issue. Learn about the treatment options in order to help make starting the process easier for your friend.

5. Consider what you will do if you are not successful.

Try to foresee the best possible reaction on your part.

6. Create a special time to convey the desire to get help.

Approach your friend by saying you would like to set some time aside to talk about something important and, "When would be good for you?" Then, express how important he or she is to you and the reasons you feel there could be a benefit from counseling (don't say what your friend is doing wrong). There is hope!

Abby, let's all make it commonplace to reach out to others and say, "How are things really going for you...I'm not just asking to make conversation...I'd really like to know if everything is alright with you...and I care about you." Our web site, www.1-800-THERAPIST.com has a much more detailed version of these intervention steps and many self help tools, articles, and information to assist in the process of locating a local mental health specialist.

 

Dr. Kevin Grold

President, 1-800-therapist.com

 

Which version do you like better?  Both the same?

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